Initial Post

I'm relatively familiar with how this blogging thing works now so it won't be as awkward.

Today, R, a girl who I care about very, very much, and I got into an argument about another guy she likes. I'll spare the details, as that can be found on another blog, and this is dedicated to monitoring my depression.

She eventually texted me saying "I'm bleeding. Don't talk to me for a few hours."

Being the self destructive entity, or having used to have been that entity, I immediately took that to mean she had done some form of self harm- She has a bad habit of digging her nails into her arms, but, she emphasized before that she had never drawn blood from doing it, which is why this affected me so.

I just about wanted to die. Thoughts of self hatred poured in because I had momentarily become the thing that I had swore I would never be. I began to think of whether or not she would be okay if I died, and the rest of my family, but, mostly her. I guess I'm at that age where friends start meaning more to you than the ones who may have fucked up while raising an impressionable child. I also began thinking how much happier she could be if I just dropped off the face of the world so that she could be with this other guy that she liked instead of being torn between us and having my constant insecurities pop up.

I've accidentally turned on the Machine again, and, it's furious with me. I have it handled, but, I don't know for how much longer. If I write in italics, I'll be using to log thoughts from the Machine.

You won't get rid of me. I'll always be back.

It sucks- A friend, SK, and I were discussing before how discussing the depression itself can agitate and wake it back up. We were so afraid of it happening to her because of her bipolar, and, look who else it happens to.

You're an idiot for letting this happen.

I'm going to keep using what you believe is your rational logic to try and fend off the thoughts that it brings. Wish the best for me, anyone and everyone. Won't do much good in the long run.

I'm not going to let it get the last word on my very first post.