You don't deserve yourself

and you sure as hell don't deserve her.

Recently, my depressions focal point has been trying to stop me from caring about a girl I love named R. It's a complicated situation, but, instead of just working towards my happiness via happiness, it wants to work towards my happiness via hatred and isolation. As if that's going to work. Like you know what's good for you? Look where you are. Look where you've gotten. Oh, that's right. Nowhere. That's the longest I've left the Machine on and I'm starting to regret it. Thoughts like this flow through my brain nonstop.

There's a guy from England who she loves, too, and, I'd do anything to be him, or to just have that attention he gets focused on me. I think what bothers me is how annoying it is that she cares about him and will bend over backwards for him. I want to be that important...

I wanna know everything, I wanna be everywhere, I wanna fuck everyone in the world, I wanna do something that matters.

Leaving for my psychiatrists appointment soon, going to see if she can change my meds and maybe get this to go back away. I don't know whether it's the abilify fucking up or if it's the episode with R and that guy from England.

More pills. That'll fix you.

Maybe it will.